Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rant of Ridiculousness

I've decided to complain, and I'm going to do it in under five minutes because I'm exploding internally. If you'd like, completely ignore this post, because it probably won't contain any of the kind of information that is useful at all. Fall registration for seniors is tomorrow morning at nine. The only, lonely little reason that I'll be there first thing with my stupid papers is that I want to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. If I wasn't so worried about that, I'd take a year off without hesitation. But what good will that do me? Maybe some time to get help for my increasingly debilitating anxiety and depression issues? There are so many huge things that would have to change. If I finally get going with getting help this summer, I mean, it'll be huge. And it'll be huge because all of this has been a part of my life for, well, half of my life. Half. This is me. I mean, just think about changing yourself. I will not come out of this and be the same person. It's impossible because this stuff is a part of me. A pretty big part that affects every single thing in my life. I've been telling myself I need to go talk to someone for years and I don't know if anyone can understand my hesitation, because nobody around me seems to get it. That's understandable of course, as I can't even articulate what I'm thinking half the time. Everything worries me. Being in the shower too long worries me. Worthless essays worry me. Work worries me. Friendship and relationship issues worry me. It goes from stupid things to things normal people stress about, but it all gets to me the same way. I honestly can't believe my moral standpoints are still there, as it's a wonder I'm not drinking every night or doing drugs.

But yeah, I'm possibly going to talk to a counselor at school tomorrow or something, provided I have time after all of the stupid papers and things I have to write. I haven't had one test yet this semester and I don't think I'll ever have one. It's all essays. And they're all due the same weeks. I miss the days of just studying, not trying to think about good sentences and supporting your thesis and getting eight pages out. And then you say well, aren't you a writing major? Yes, yes I am. And I'm stressing because I really hate writing anymore. I hate being forced to do it. Writing makes me miserable and that's hard for me to take because I'm in my junior freaking year of a WRITING major. What the hell do I do if writing makes me miserable forever? I'm never going back to school after this no matter what the outcome. It's so pointless to me and I feel like I'm the only one who has a serious problem with it. I have more work for my general education requirement African Culture class than any other. Honestly, seriously, I really do not care about these things right now. I want to get my major related work done. I don't see why I have to make a 20 minute presentation on Somalia and piracy and write a 15 page paper with group members and do all of this research and spend all of this time...for what? For one grade in a class I don't need or care about. I hate the useless work. A presentation about analyzing one specific  scene in Hamlet? What is the point? And who hasn't read it a million times and how is that going to help me with my education. Honestly the only good I have gotten out of college the last three years is feedback on my short stories from classmates, and I can get that from FRIENDS for FREE without spending thousands of dollars on general requirements that I don't see the point of. I also recently found out that my Cultures of Africa class doesn't count towards one of my foreign culture credits. I looked at my advisor and went "Cultures...of Africa...isn't a foreign culture class?" So I basically took that class as an elective and I still need two more. Apparently it's not "approved" for the arts and sciences department's general requirements list. Not approved? What the HELL is it even offered for then? And he went further to say that I can't take any "global" foreign cultures, they have to be "non-western" or "comparative." Honestly, I can't understand the point of all of this. I got more knowledge of foreign culture when I traveled to Europe a couple times than I ever will in any of these classes, especially this one. None of what has been said is something I don't already know, because it's just a general class. It's not a class on like, apartheid or something. General. Cultures of Africa. I'm so appalled at all of this right now.

I think I'll just conclude there, as nobody wants to read my banter and I don't really even want to read my banter. But I just had that African class a couple hours ago and we were assigned all of this crap that I will not have time to focus on with all of my other classes. I think college shouldn't be necessary to get anywhere in the world. It's not for everyone. It's slowly driving me insane. You can get so much knowledge from other sources and I just don't understand this.

No comments:

Post a Comment