Monday, April 27, 2009

She's aliiiive.

Well, it's been about 4.5 days since I turned in my last paper (after spending 1.5 hours in traffic only to stay in class for five minutes, but whatever) and surprisingly I feel a lot worse, far from the stress-free, heel-clicking-with-glee Ashley I was hoping for. Usually there's a few days in between my really low episodes, but the past three days or so have been pretty much nonstop low. My theory is that I have absolutely nothing to occupy my mind anymore. No papers to write that demand my racing thoughts be painstakingly shoved to the side. I wish I could force myself to write something since maybe my mind will stop going in a thousand directions, but making myself write is the last thing I want to do since I've been doing it all year. Since when should I have to constantly force myself to write? I should want to, at least some of the time. I don't really want to get into it, I seem to have deviated from what I came to say initially.

Last Wednesday I had my first therapy session, leading to a referral with a psychiatrist which (luckily...?) happened the very next morning, resulting in $40 lost in copayments and a complete lack of money to fill my prescription until 2 days later. Saturday I went to my best friend's dad's wedding and felt somewhat alive all day, but at night it hit me and it hasn't stopped. Last night was particularly bad. Sometimes I wish I could put it into words but most of the time I don't. Nobody would want to read that. Even the one or two people who have heard me during a bad time at night, pleading (with the person present, with God, with anything) to make my thoughts stop racing and begging for it all to stop and crying to be happy for once...don't really know how much my mind seems to actually ache anymore from zooming all over the place. I wish I could tell them. I don't even know myself anymore to talk about myself. In therapy I felt like I was talking about someone else and I could never find the words to really get across how I felt. I spent minutes in silence half the time trying to gather my thoughts...thoughts that are like my old bouncy ball collection turned loose in my head. And then when I said it I attached a question mark to the end because it still didn't sound right to me. I don't really want to go into so much detail when I wasn't looking to be so personal in this blog...but it's just part of my life and needs to be dealt with. I was told the medication would take a month to start working, and I already can't take how much worse I feel even when I'm away from that school. I'm home, and happy here, but I feel so unbelievably alone.

I've really told myself that I need to do more though. I'm going to make a summer to-do list. I swear every post isn't going to be about how I can't make sense of myself anymore, so don't worry. I'm hoping this daily thing isn't going to last and is just sort of like me transitioning into a less stressful summer environment. I hope. Good news is I've been hanging out downstairs more playing Wii, which kind of takes my mind off of things a bit while I attempt to catch fish in Animal Crossing and pay off the gigantic mortgage on my house, which Tom Nook so graciously upgraded for me. Gah, money.

1 comment:

  1. girl you need to cheer up. u better tell me when you r free, we r going to panera and the frikin movies
    no excuses its a girls day. call me or txt me you have my number. also you can call if you wanna shoot the breeze too!