Monday, April 27, 2009

She's aliiiive.

Well, it's been about 4.5 days since I turned in my last paper (after spending 1.5 hours in traffic only to stay in class for five minutes, but whatever) and surprisingly I feel a lot worse, far from the stress-free, heel-clicking-with-glee Ashley I was hoping for. Usually there's a few days in between my really low episodes, but the past three days or so have been pretty much nonstop low. My theory is that I have absolutely nothing to occupy my mind anymore. No papers to write that demand my racing thoughts be painstakingly shoved to the side. I wish I could force myself to write something since maybe my mind will stop going in a thousand directions, but making myself write is the last thing I want to do since I've been doing it all year. Since when should I have to constantly force myself to write? I should want to, at least some of the time. I don't really want to get into it, I seem to have deviated from what I came to say initially.

Last Wednesday I had my first therapy session, leading to a referral with a psychiatrist which (luckily...?) happened the very next morning, resulting in $40 lost in copayments and a complete lack of money to fill my prescription until 2 days later. Saturday I went to my best friend's dad's wedding and felt somewhat alive all day, but at night it hit me and it hasn't stopped. Last night was particularly bad. Sometimes I wish I could put it into words but most of the time I don't. Nobody would want to read that. Even the one or two people who have heard me during a bad time at night, pleading (with the person present, with God, with anything) to make my thoughts stop racing and begging for it all to stop and crying to be happy for once...don't really know how much my mind seems to actually ache anymore from zooming all over the place. I wish I could tell them. I don't even know myself anymore to talk about myself. In therapy I felt like I was talking about someone else and I could never find the words to really get across how I felt. I spent minutes in silence half the time trying to gather my thoughts...thoughts that are like my old bouncy ball collection turned loose in my head. And then when I said it I attached a question mark to the end because it still didn't sound right to me. I don't really want to go into so much detail when I wasn't looking to be so personal in this blog...but it's just part of my life and needs to be dealt with. I was told the medication would take a month to start working, and I already can't take how much worse I feel even when I'm away from that school. I'm home, and happy here, but I feel so unbelievably alone.

I've really told myself that I need to do more though. I'm going to make a summer to-do list. I swear every post isn't going to be about how I can't make sense of myself anymore, so don't worry. I'm hoping this daily thing isn't going to last and is just sort of like me transitioning into a less stressful summer environment. I hope. Good news is I've been hanging out downstairs more playing Wii, which kind of takes my mind off of things a bit while I attempt to catch fish in Animal Crossing and pay off the gigantic mortgage on my house, which Tom Nook so graciously upgraded for me. Gah, money.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just one more week

This last week of classes came to an epic end this morning while I stuttered out why illegal fishing contributed to the Somali piracy during a 20 minute presentation in my Cultures of Africa class. Despite the fact that I'd been dreading speaking in front of that class since day one in January when we got the syllabus, I felt nothing when it was over. I sat in my chair at the back of the room, watching the other groups present, stressing about whether I'd make it back to the parking garage by 10:51 so I could pay $5 instead of $8. That's kind of how my life works at the moment though. Once one stressor is gone, I don't feel much better. Something else just takes its place.

Nevertheless, I did, infact, get back to the garage in time to pay only $5 and it was only when I was in the car, pulled my hair band out, and rolled the window down a little, did I take a deep breath and decide I deserve a cheeseburger. It's 60 degrees and sunny outside, I just embarrassed the hell out of myself in front of 35 people, and I have two more papers to write and one final next week and I'm done. I deserve a damn cheeseburger. Unfortunately, cheeseburger didn't happen yet. On the way home I decided I was too poor. But you know what? Screw poor. It's not like that's gonna end anytime soon. And I don't have to spend $5 two times a week on parking garages anymore either, so HAH.

Anyway, I'll be slaving intensely over my philosophy final on Monday all weekend, so don't expect anything new until the middle or end of next week, at which point I'll be done for good and have four months of glorious summer ahead of me. In the meantime, go here: Garfield Minus Garfield. It's Garfield...minus Garfield. Jon Arbuckle is the most depressed person on earth, and it bothers me how much I identify with half of the images in odd ways. I look at every weekend like this during the school year:

However, therapy starts next Wednesday. Let's work to change that state of mind, eh?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The flying LCD TV

Unfortunately I can't stay long, as it's just about time for me to shower and I have a serious paper to write on why the problem of "elf rights" was included in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire*. I just wanted to make an interesting observation.

Not long ago, what I can only describe as a "motor" noise began outside. It's 10:45 PM and I hear a lawnmower, and for about ten minutes while I wrote the introduction to my paper, I totally believed that's what it was. Then it suddenly hit me that it could be a plane or something. What if a plane was going to crash? But why was I still hearing it after ten minutes? It should've been gone in ten seconds. I got up and pulled my aluminum blinds down with my finger and gazed out into the neighborhood.

Instantly I saw it: a big, widescreen, brightly colored LCD tv hovering slowly across the night sky above my neighbor's house. The colors were amazing. The first thing I caught on the screen was "Going across the country..." and instantly I thought oh my god, this LCD tv is here to convey to me a special message, and to convey to other people across the country a special message also when they're sitting all alone eating a crispy chocolate bar and mourning for their recently expired World of Warcraft game card. Then it said something like "...or going across town..." and some sort of cheesy slogan about tires followed. Tires. This LCD tv came all this way to advertise tires to me? What a bitch. I hope when it gets home its parents beat it for being so incredibly pointless.

By the way, there won't be a Caturday post on Saturday, and posts in general may be rare during this coming week and finals week that follows that. I'm packed beneath a landslide of work. But soon it'll all be over at last. Wish me luck. I'll still be twittering away though if you want instant updates.

* I know you all wish you had to write a paper on Harry Potter for class. I must say it is rather nice. Cheers to Pitt for having this Fantasy and Romance class. Directly up my alley.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Caturday and some Writing Thoughts

CaturdayCaturday is here again. Sometimes, as much as I hate these last couple weeks of school, the weekend seems to come kind of quickly anymore. Thank everyone involved in that, because Saturday is always the sorta kinda best day of the week. When I don't have homework, it's the best day of my life. But this homework thing ends in a few weeks, and at that point I can assume the position of perpetually sitting around on my butt eating popsicles and refreshing my Twitter page.



Find me at PetFinder This young girl is nameless for the moment, but you can change that if you adopt her! She is once again located at my local Beaver County Humane Society in Monaca, PA. She was abandoned, but thankfully someone brought her in. Her left eye is a little cloudy, and they believe it may have been injured earlier on. It doesn't say whether or not she is blind in that eye, but you can definitely inquire about that. The number there is 724-775-5801. She looks so sweet and too young to be alone. Give them a call and ask about her!

I'm having an extremely hard time keeping my mind off of saying things like "Gah, I hate school" and "Just a few more weeks" and "This is so pointless" so you'll have to bare with me in this until the end of April. I'm having a seriously hard time accepting that I need to analyze a film version of Dracula and present my findings in project form, or write a collaborative 15 page paper on piracy in Somalia and do a 20 minute presentation, among many other things...in order to get a piece of paper that says I have some sort of knowledge of fiction writing. So just about every post will probably contain some form of complaint about that for the next few weeks. Like I said, just be patient with me here.

I'm getting a completely random desire to write some sort of low fantasy story. I'm so caught up in epic, LOTR-like fantasy with completely created worlds and ideas that I haven't really thought of doing something with more realism. I used to write a ton of realism into my fantasy, but that was because I didn't know any better. I think I like that though, so while I'm on this ever-lengthy hiatus from my epic high fantasy series, perhaps I'll cook up some sort of modern fantasy. I have no ideas at all right now because that's such a common thing to do these days. It's so much easier to be able to use everything you already know, whereas having to really think everything out gets so complicated and tiring. Maybe in my rough spot I'll think up something a tad simpler, just to satisfy my fantasy craving since all I've been writing for the past couple years are stupid short stories about scorned women and demonic cats. So, you know, I'd be doing some sort of "there's another world other than ours that the people in ours are oblivious to" kind of thing. All Harry Potter-esque, except nothing like that at all and far more mature. More on the Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere kind of side. We'll see if something pops into my head anytime soon.

Oh, and randomly, go read this: "Does Anybody Date Anymore?" You can get the gist of the article by the title I'm sure, but it's not as boring as it may sound and it's absolutely hilarious. "I will facebook stalk you and look at all of your photos and imagine me in them. I will never, ever tell you this. And then on the next date I will kiss you so fucking hard your face will FUCKING SHATTER. CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT SHIT?"  Total genius.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tons of April Fools fun, and Unicorn Chaser

Despite feeling positively awful all day today and still somehow getting the rest of my Cultures of Africa paper finished, I spent a good deal of time looking into some of the epic April Fools jokes that seemed to rule the interwebs today. My favorite thought of all of this is that people basically got paid to come up with and develop this stuff. Since I don't feel like linking or posting pictures at the moment, you'll just have to go to my Tumblr and scroll down to see all the stuff I dug up throughout the day. When I say throughout the day...yeah I've been posting things on there all day, so incase you didn't catch on by now, when I'm not posting here because it's not enough to make a whole blog about, it's being posted on Tumblr. So, Expedia offered flights to Mars for $99, Woot.com is selling crap (literally) for $1 million, Google has mastered AI, and Gmail now has an "autopilot" that will read your email and automatically send a response that it deems appropriate according to your usual patterns of typing. I lied about not posting a screenshot...the gmail autopilot thing is just WAY too hilarious to pass up...

Gmail automatically responds for you!Ahaha...aha...I love it. And the odds ratio of "j" to "k" is just classic. But that's all the screenshot action you get as far as April Fools goes, unless maybe I decide to do more at another time. I seriously recommend going to expedia.com and checking out the Mars travels area at the bottom right of the page. It'll probably be down by tomorrow though, so you're all gonna miss out unfortunately.


ThinkGeek had "Squeez Bacon" though also...and since I already posted it on my Tumblr I'll not go into it much, but seriously, go there and look at the picture of the Squeez Bacon garnishing the cantaloupe. I mean, can it get anymore genius than that?


On an ending note with all of this April Fools stuff though, I'd like to leave you with the promotion video for Unicorn Chaser, also by ThinkGeek, and...I don't think I need to explain it. I just find it hilarious that the guy is watching "2 girls 1 cup." Also, check out that epic glitter-tossing action in the end.