Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Dear Consumers: You Suck

Dear consumers*:

You suck. You suck so bad I could just go wild and write a blog post about how angry you make me. I am really beside myself right now. Incase you have no idea what my damn problem is, I refer you to this article, although there are now MANY like it. SunChips are pulling their compostable bags. Why, you ask? What could possibly make them stop using such a wonderful product to promote sustainability and awareness? Did it cost too much to produce? That must be it, as any other explanation would border on insanity.

No, my friends. They're pulling it because it's too noisy.

That is why I hate you, consumers of America. You are so whiny that you're making us take a huge step back in the push for more eco-friendly products. Can you imagine how many SunChip bags there are? Everybody loves them. A year and a half ago that bag seemed like an important moment in the world of Americans and their love of stuff. Anything could have come next.

But the bag was noisy. Too noisy, apparently, for lazy people who don't understand what's really important in the world. Too noisy for people to just ignore it for the good of the environment. For the sake of moving forward. So SunChips is going back to the regular bags for all but one of their six flavors, because they want to show they're still "committed." If I were SunChips, I'd tell all of the whining assholes to shove it. We can't do this to ourselves. We literally can't, because it's absolutely destroying us.

Here's something else I want to know. I want to see a serious letter that was sent to SunChips complaining about the bags. I want to know what kind of reasoning they gave that made SunChips do this. What kind of serious, valid points they made about the noise of the bag. I honestly can't think of any, and since I heard about this thing hours ago I've seriously been trying. You love SunChips but your baby is sleeping in the same room and you don't want to wake them up? Put the chips in a reusable container and the bag issue is gone. You love SunChips and you're at work and want a snack but don't want to annoy your cubicle neighbors? Put the chips in a reusable container. This. Isn't. Hard. Not only is this not hard, but it also cuts back on crumbs on your sleeves. AND if you're like me and you eat the whole chips before the broken ones or vice versa, you can find them right there in your big container without having to peer deep into the bag every time. A sealed container would even keep them fresher longer. I mean, come ON. It's so, so easy.

Now, I'm well aware that all of these articles say SunChips is working on its next set of compostable bags. This is obviously great. And they obviously won't be noisy, which is a good thing for America because you can't handle anything that inconveniences you in the slightest. I really wish this could have happened in a different way. I wish people could learn that they need to deal with things and find solutions to their own problems instead of whining and whining and whining. And the unfortunate thing is that the whiny people won out and made this happen. The minor inconvenience, which was in reality so easy to remedy, was apparently the most important thing here. So I hope you're all happy throwing your nice, quiet, non-biodegradable bags into the overflowing landfills. So sorry for the inconvenience.

*You can all blame @awhisperpoetic on Twitter for alerting me to this whole shebang. But I of course thank him. Also thanks to him is the link below to the petition to keep the compostable bags:

Tell Frito-Lay: Keep SunChips in Compostable Bags

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