Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Torn (not in the Natalie Imbruglia way)

If you remember that song at all, which was basically her only hit, then you're probably around my age. But before I continue, let me warn that this will be basically be an un-tampered-with, stream of consciousness rant. And the only reason I'm not keeping this in any sort of private journal or anything is because I know for a fact that I am not the only person who feels this way. And I also don't really give a damn anymore.

So back to being around my age. I'm not even a year out of my bachelor's degree and I still don't have a so-called "real job." I can't for the life of me figure out how much this should really bother me. Other friends are at differing levels. Some are hardcore driven to have a "good" job and be successful, some are not really worried at all. I've never been career-driven. Having a good job would not be something that would make or break my overall happiness. Yeah, it would really help with my student loans etc, but I don't want my lack of a "real" job to rule my life right now. I have a job right now that manages to pay the bills, but of course I'm trying to find something better. I just don't know what to make of all the pressure to get a better job. Why is there so much pressure? My parents seem so disappointed in me and that makes me disappointed in myself, but I don't understand why. Why should I be disappointed in myself? I don't know what the world expects of people my age.

And speaking of that. I hate that in school we're all basically told that if we do well and graduate college, we'll get a good job and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. And anyone without some sort of degree is looked down upon, and people who don't go through all the steps in order are looked down upon too. I hate all of the outside influences. The expectation you'll be married and have kids and live in a suburb and have a day job. I want so badly to ignore it all but it's virtually impossible because, mostly, I hate disappointing people. I want my parents to be proud of me. But it doesn't seem like they are. People make me feel like if I don't have a secure job then my future is basically garbage. I don't WANT to feel that way. I just want to live. But then saying so makes me feel like I look lazy or something. And I can't just be like, screw you all, I'm going to Italy. As much as I would absolutely adore that. But I can't. Because I don't like hurting people even when the alternative hurts me.

So what to do? I just don't feel like the kind of person who wants to stuff myself into a shitty, but well paying job and be virtually miserable for most of my life. If it's a job in my field then of course I wouldn't be miserable, but those seem hard to come by. Why does it seem frowned upon in America to be happy? Lol I don't know. I just don't like the "live to work" mentality. It's not how I operate at all. "I have to be productive and successful" blah blah blah. No, no you don't. But if that's what makes you happy then go for it. Eventually I need to figure out what makes me happy. I feel extremely caged right now, even though I'm perfectly free.

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