Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Cavity Anxiety

Every time I go to the dentist, I get what I call "cavity anxiety." I'm sure (I hope) most of you are smart enough to figure out what that means. I don't fear the dentist at all. I have no issue with their sharp little instruments and that scrapey sound they make on my teeth. No issue at all. What I fear is that moment, right at the end of the visit, where the dentist comes in and checks things over, then says "Yep, we gotta drill that one." For twenty-four years that has never happened. I've happily skipped out of the office with my little baggie of free toothy goods, beaming at the world as rainbows shoot out of my teeth. And then, I had my appointment today.
+the dreaded end of appointment time+
Hygienist: Ok! Looks good. Let me just grab the dentist.

I am beaming. I can practically feel the rainbows waiting to bust out of my mouth.

Dentist: Hey how are you? Any teeth bothering you?
Me: Nope! +I'm drumming the Monday Night Football music on my legs, giddy as hell+
Hygienist: We're watching whatchamacallit and this one and that one (I don't remember what the hell they're called. Something about an occlusal.)
Dentist: +pressing the steel whirligig into my teeth here and there+ Hmm..ok...that one's fine...so's that one...+long pause+ Well, I think we'll have to do that one.
Me: Whaddahuh?
Dentist: There's a deep groove in it. It isn't too bad though. You shouldn't need Novocain.

At the word Novocain I think my heart stopped and I was actually dead for at least five seconds.

Dentist: Yeah we'll just take care of it now. Might as well.
Me: TAKE CARE OF WHAT. RIGHT NOW!? DO I...DO I...
Hygienist: It's just a little one +sticks her lip out and clearly pities me+
Dentist: Oh no no no not now, we'll make an appointment...wait is this your first one?
Me: YOU'VE TAKEN MY CAVITY VIRGINITY. I WASN'T READY!
Dentist: +waves hand at me+ You'll be fine.

Well that's it then. My pristine teeth have been sullied. I have a hole in my tooth. Even better is that I don't have dental insurance. I've been paying the hundred bucks each time for the cleaning. Can't wait to see how much it'll cost to fill all of my decaying orifices with silvery reflective crap. Maybe I'll just pretend it's unicorn blood. I mean unicorn blood is silver, right? It must be, if that's how it was depicted in Harry Potter. OBVIOUSLY. Yeah, yeah that must be it.

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