Saturday, April 21, 2012

Internet Speeds of the 90's Would Kill Me Today

I had some sort of 90's flashback yesterday. I was trying to download this ungodly large file. Like, double-digit gigabytes large.* The download feels like it's dragging. I feel inordinately impatient. The speed is going at 2 mb/s or something. The percent downloaded goes up by one every five minutes or so. I want to smash watermelons with a sledgehammer. I want to die.

Then I have my 90's flashback. I remember sitting at my crazy old corner desk back in the day (that thing is STILL in the same spot, but now it's got a bunch of junk on it, and occasionally I gaze in at the poor thing like a long forgotten toy from my childhood). I grew up during dial-up. I knew the tune of the dial-up modem like I knew all the words to every stupid Britney Spears song. I could've sung the aria of the "Dial-Up Modem Opera" true and clear, if it was possible for human vocal chords to actually make those sounds. As soon as the modem made a funny noise during its song-and-dance ritual of connecting to the internet, I froze, like a deer in headlights. I loathed that moment. When the modem finished its beeping, whooshing tune and I found myself connected to the world wide web, all was right with the world.**

I remember trying to illegally download the newest Backstreet Boys song, "Larger than Life." I couldn't buy the CD because I was a freaking kid and nobody would buy it for me. But I needed that song in my life more than I needed all my posters of Zac Hanson taped to my closet doors. The file was probably a few megabytes in size, unlike songs now with their epic sound quality weighing in at 9 mb or more. So let's say it was a 3 mb song. It took hours. Literally two hours at least. I bet that was one of the happiest moments in my life, when that song finally downloaded and I listened to this stupid song that was for some reason my only key to happiness.

So I'm looking at this 30 gb file I'm downloading now. It has 30 minutes or so left. It's going at about 2.5 mb/s now. That old Backstreet Boys song would have downloaded in a single second today.


* No it's not porn you fools.
** I'm not like, obsessed with the internet or anything. Like, come on, guys.

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